Friday, July 30, 2010
On the Weigh: Debbie Downer
It was a very rough week for me, mentally. I have been feeling incredibly self-concious and negative about my appearance. It all comes down to my wedding dress - I am terrified of how I look in it. I just can't get over it. I feel slightly better today, but Sunday and Monday was the lowest I think I have ever been. I just don't feel good. I have a nagging fear that I bought the wrong dress, and as much as I want to love the one I have, I hate how I look in it. I don't know how to correct this feeling, and it probably is nothing to do with the dress at all. I am trying to move on from it, but it's very difficult. I am so disappointed with how I will look, but 36 days out, it's too late to do anything about it. The weight I have lost since June is too little, too late. I am devastated.
In addition to feeling all of this negativity, I am flying solo this weekend. The Fiance is off to a float trip with his buddies, and it's just me and the dog. In a past life, this is a recipe for disastor. I am a closet binge-eater, so being by myself is asking for trouble. I am fighting the urge and it's hard. I don't want to eat a bunch of crap, really, but it's just so tempting, since "no one will know." I wish I could just not think about things like this. I wish I could just be well and healthy no matter if there are witnesses or not.
It's so counter-productive. I am a walking contradiction. I love eating my feelings, even when my feelings are all about my weight. This has been my pattern for my entire adult life. I'm either eating too much, or I'm not eating at all. There has been a massive improvement in this cycle in the last six weeks, but I fear I will always battle with it. Maybe I am just destined to struggle. Lucky me. I hate that my brain works this way. I live with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.
Meditation and daily affirmations are doing little to help right now. And yes, I fully realize that The Fiance loves me and all brides are beautiful and blah blah blah. I get it. It doesn't help to hear that shit right now. Maybe I just want to feel bad, I don't know. I don't really want to be comforted, I guess.
This week has been minute-by-minute. I'm holding it together for now. I guess that's all I can do.