WI: ---
It was a very rough week for me, mentally. I have been feeling incredibly self-concious and negative about my appearance. It all comes down to my wedding dress - I am terrified of how I look in it. I just can't get over it. I feel slightly better today, but Sunday and Monday was the lowest I think I have ever been. I just don't feel good. I have a nagging fear that I bought the wrong dress, and as much as I want to love the one I have, I hate how I look in it. I don't know how to correct this feeling, and it probably is nothing to do with the dress at all. I am trying to move on from it, but it's very difficult. I am so disappointed with how I will look, but 36 days out, it's too late to do anything about it. The weight I have lost since June is too little, too late. I am devastated.
In addition to feeling all of this negativity, I am flying solo this weekend. The Fiance is off to a float trip with his buddies, and it's just me and the dog. In a past life, this is a recipe for disastor. I am a closet binge-eater, so being by myself is asking for trouble. I am fighting the urge and it's hard. I don't want to eat a bunch of crap, really, but it's just so tempting, since "no one will know." I wish I could just not think about things like this. I wish I could just be well and healthy no matter if there are witnesses or not.
It's so counter-productive. I am a walking contradiction. I love eating my feelings, even when my feelings are all about my weight. This has been my pattern for my entire adult life. I'm either eating too much, or I'm not eating at all. There has been a massive improvement in this cycle in the last six weeks, but I fear I will always battle with it. Maybe I am just destined to struggle. Lucky me. I hate that my brain works this way. I live with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.
Meditation and daily affirmations are doing little to help right now. And yes, I fully realize that The Fiance loves me and all brides are beautiful and blah blah blah. I get it. It doesn't help to hear that shit right now. Maybe I just want to feel bad, I don't know. I don't really want to be comforted, I guess.
This week has been minute-by-minute. I'm holding it together for now. I guess that's all I can do.
Well... you are gorgeous. I think you know that... I think maybe it's just a bad week.
ReplyDeleteAlso... see my below comment about kicking Dave out for the weekend! Now you ARE totally alone since the Fiance is gone! Cook yourself huge healthy breakfasts both mornings this weekend and aim to tackle a few of the things on that list of yours! I know for me the best thing to do is to keep busy. Once you've finished one project, move right onto the next. Play some music... get into a groove with the calligraphy stuff! When was the last time you cooked a dinner just for yourself? Try out a healthy recipe tomorrow night and indulge! I found an amazing blog last week (I cant remember the name - Kayln's blog? Idk... it was mainly a south beach diet blog) anywho - she had some really healthy recipes that looked great. My point is... keep busy :)
I would LOVE a Fiance free weekend to tackle the crap on my list! I'm jealous!
Big hug to you my dear. Beauty is confidence. If you think you look hot in the dress (fake it til you make it!) then the confidence you have will make you look so fantastic.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too hard on yourself.
I've been doing really bad too this week. I've been eating OK but splurging on snacks and stuff. Plus I'm only really going to the gym 2 times a week, whereas before I went 5 days a week! We're both in a slump :(
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you're coming from...I have a love-hate relationship with food! But just think how happy you will be in just a few short weeks, and how much your fiance loves you. Sometimes I get jealous of my roommates because they stay thin effortlessly...then Chris reminds me that love-wise, they're unhappy and I'm very happy. Sounds a little mean but it makes me feel better. Stay strong through the time he's gone and as someone else said, tackle those lists!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are having a bad week! I feel you on this and hate that I didn't keep pushing myself like I was when I first started my weightloss journey...the scale hasn't moved since May and I am mad at myself! I have less than 2 months to go and have really been kicking myself. Cheer up and hang in there, there is still time to make a little bit of a change and knowing that you tried will be better than regretting that you hadn't at all!
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog over on WB :)
ReplyDeleteMeagan, I feel like this post could have came from my own life. I too feel like the day of my wedding (09/05) I will not feel wonderful, I will not feel confident and I will be an internal mess. I also have a problem with eating my feelings and it sucks but I also wonder if this will be a struggle I will have the rest of my life. BUT, all we can do is go day by day. You are making a conscious effort to make changes and just take each day. If you overeat, not exercise, etc one day then just start over the next day. I have to keep that at the front of my mind or I'll just fall off the boat and just grab junk to eat.
Try to enjoy this time as you lead up to your wedding and I'll try and do the same. We're here for you!
-Sara