On the Weigh: Debbie Downer

WI: ---

Sorry, no weigh in to report this week.  My scale-obsession has been creeping back and I am taking a much needed break for awhile.  I don't know when I will weigh in again, but in the meantime, I am trying to sharpen my focus on the the whole picture, not just a number between my toes.  I am completely in my head right now and it's effed.

It was a very rough week for me, mentally.  I have been feeling incredibly self-concious and negative about my appearance.  It all comes down to my wedding dress - I am terrified of how I look in it. I just can't get over it.  I feel slightly better today, but Sunday and Monday was the lowest I think I have ever been.  I just don't feel good.  I have a nagging fear that I bought the wrong dress, and as much as I want to love the one I have, I hate how I look in it.  I don't know how to correct this feeling, and it probably is nothing to do with the dress at all.  I am trying to move on from it, but it's very difficult.  I am so disappointed with how I will look, but 36 days out, it's too late to do anything about it.  The weight I have lost since June is too little, too late.  I am devastated.

In addition to feeling all of this negativity, I am flying solo this weekend.  The Fiance is off to a float trip with his buddies, and it's just me and the dog.  In a past life, this is a recipe for disastor.  I am a closet binge-eater, so being by myself is asking for trouble.  I am fighting the urge and it's hard.  I don't want to eat a bunch of crap, really, but it's just so tempting, since "no one will know." I wish I could just not think about things like this.  I wish I could just be well and healthy no matter if there are witnesses or not.

It's so counter-productive.  I am a walking contradiction.  I love eating my feelings, even when my feelings are all about my weight.  This has been my pattern for my entire adult life.  I'm either eating too much, or I'm not eating at all.  There has been a massive improvement in this cycle in the last six weeks, but I fear I will always battle with it.  Maybe I am just destined to struggle.  Lucky me.  I hate that my brain works this way.  I live with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. 

Meditation and daily affirmations are doing little to help right now.  And yes, I fully realize that The Fiance loves me and all brides are beautiful and blah blah blah.  I get it.  It doesn't help to hear that shit right now.  Maybe I just want to feel bad, I don't know.  I don't really want to be comforted, I guess.

This week has been minute-by-minute.  I'm holding it together for now. I guess that's all I can do.

Ever wonder what I was like as a little Meaglette?

Pretty much sums it up.

Kate got hitched!

I spent Fourth of July weekend as a bridesmaid for my friend Kate.  It was fantastic!  She looked beautiful, everything went flawlessly, and the weather was unseasonably perfect. It was by far the largest wedding I had ever attended - a whopping 500 guests.  They literally filled one of the biggest cathedrals in Springfield, which made walking down that long aisle as a bridesmaid slightly nervewracking.

Kate is one of my best friends, and has been since we discovered three weeks into our freshman year at Mizzou that we were in fact from the same hometown, lived in the same dorm, and were in the same sorority.  Slow on the uptake but fast friends.

She and I were roommates after school, but she started dating Jeff seriously after I had already moved to St Louis.  I've gotten to know him since, and I think they are perfect for each other.  Kate was one of the first people I thought of to be a bridesmaid when I got engaged, and I was incredibly honored when she asked the same of me.  Two months before my own walk down the aisle, I walked down just before my gorgeous friend.  It was so surreal. 

It was an amazing day, which started bright and early with hair, makeup, and nails at Kate's family's house.  Super girly fun day!

Beautiful bridal bouquet.

Just beautiful!  I cried, not gonna lie.

Matt took one of the coolest bridal portraits ever in this pre-ceremony session.  Yes, that's right ... we have the same wedding photographer!

Mizzou/Graham Hall/Kappa alums.

And then the church doors opened.

I want to look this happy right after I tie the knot too!

How cool is this!  Kate's dad bought and restored a 1928 Plymouth to take them to the reception and for a getaway.  And guess what!  They've decided to rent it out to people going forward.  If you're interested (and in the Central IL area) let me know!

The first leg of the Summer 2010 Kappa Wedding Triathalon is complete! One down, two to go, and we're headed to DC next!

Kate and Jeff's wedding was beautiful, classy, and tons of fun.  We also had the unique pleasure of seeing it as a dress rehearsal for ours, which will be at the same hotel in just a few weeks.  It was awesome to see the venue in action, and we were more than impressed. 

Congratulations, Kate!  I am beyond happy for you and Jeff.  Have an amazing time on your honeymoon! Make sure you come home in one piece ... I need you in September!

Dr. Fiance

I am under the weather with a super fun summer cold.  I am coughing, hacking, sniffing, and wheezing ... it's super sexy.

So The Fiance brought home dinner (rotisserie chicken and Companion pretzels) and a get-well kit just for me.

Cold medicine, fruit-shaped Kleenex, and candy.

I feel better already.

A Mid-Year Resolution

More reading books - Less time on the Interwebs.

I miss reading.  I used to read all the time.  I love it - I will read just about anything I can get my hands on.  Or, as I said, I used to.  I seem to spend all of my free time now pouring over wedding and baking blogs and working on wedding-related projects.  I love you, Internet Friends, but you're sucking all my time away.  My new goal is to read at least one book per month.  In an effort to be budget-friendly and green, this also means I will be finding my local library.  The Fiance's mother is a librarian - I have no excuse.

First of all, I need to finish the book I am currently stuck on:

Yes, I am really late to the game here, and just now reading the Twilight books.  I love vampire stuff, so this is a shock, but I just can't get into it.  It's just so whiny.  I can't quite get over the feeling of waiting for Buffy the Vampire Slayer to burst out of the background and stake Edward to sparkley dust.  But I am more than halfway through and now it's just a matter of principle.  Besides, I have to finish it before I go see the movie (and The Fiance reallllllllly wants to see it.  Seriously.)

I have lots of books sitting on my shelves to get through, like Eat Pray Love and Julie and Julia, but of course I had to get some fresh blood in there to keep me going.

Mmmmmm don't you just love the smell of bookstores?  It's my favorite smell ever.  What are you reading right now?  Any recommendations for a born-again bookworm?

Home Garden Glory

I could eat this everyday ... or as long as we have tomatoes.  Which could be awhile.