It's been a really difficult couple of days and I am all over the place right now.
My grandmother was admitted to the hospital about a week ago with pneumonia and they discovered lung cancer in the course of her treatment. It's not allowing the treatment for the peumonia to be effective and she's being placed in hospice on Wednesday.
I went up to spend the weekend with family after working from home on Friday. Kenny wasn't able to come with me because he's sick, and we didn't think it was a good idea. My sister flew in from Colorado and we all just sort of huddled. I knew, philosophically, that this would be difficult when the time came, but it is so so so much harder than I ever thought it would be.
My boss gave me leave to work from home (seriously the most understanding and flexible team ever, such a blessing in all this) but I went to the office anyway. I need to not just sit at home and feel sad. I need the distraction and routine. But the bad news is that my emotions are barely contained and the most trivial little things are pushing me close to the edge. I don't know if this is normal or of I am just not dealing that well.
I am so grateful for getting to see her this weekend.
I am scared and heartbroken over what's happening.
I am grateful to have Kenny and my family and friends to lean on.
I'm worried for my sister, hundreds of miles away from all of us and by herself.
I am worried about my dad and mom and how they are dealing when they aren't trying to be strong and take care of everything.
I hate the feeling of bracing for bad news everything the phone rings.
I hate feeling so damn hopeful and knowing at the same time how silly that is.
I am grateful that she's not in pain, she knows what's going on, and they are doing exactly as she's requested.
But God, this is so hard.
Please keep us in your thoughts. I am trying really hard to put on a brave face to get through this, but we could all use some happy thoughts right now.