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Monday, January 7, 2013

Not alright.

It's been a really difficult couple of days and I am all over the place right now.

My grandmother was admitted to the hospital about a week ago with pneumonia and they discovered lung cancer in the course of her treatment. It's not allowing the treatment for the peumonia to be effective and she's being placed in hospice on Wednesday.

I went up to spend the weekend with family after working from home on Friday. Kenny wasn't able to come with me because he's sick, and we didn't think it was a good idea. My sister flew in from Colorado and we all just sort of huddled. I knew, philosophically, that this would be difficult when the time came, but it is so so so much harder than I ever thought it would be.

My boss gave me leave to work from home (seriously the most understanding and flexible team ever, such a blessing in all this) but I went to the office anyway. I need to not just sit at home and feel sad. I need the distraction and routine. But the bad news is that my emotions are barely contained and the most trivial little things are pushing me close to the edge. I don't know if this is normal or of I am just not dealing that well.

I am so grateful for getting to see her this weekend.
I am scared and heartbroken over what's happening.
I am grateful to have Kenny and my family and friends to lean on.
I'm worried for my sister, hundreds of miles away from all of us and by herself.
I am worried about my dad and mom and how they are dealing when they aren't trying to be strong and take care of everything.
I hate the feeling of bracing for bad news everything the phone rings.
I hate feeling so damn hopeful and knowing at the same time how silly that is.
I am grateful that she's not in pain, she knows what's going on, and they are doing exactly as she's requested.

But God, this is so hard.

Please keep us in your thoughts. I am trying really hard to put on a brave face to get through this, but we could all use some happy thoughts right now.

10 comments:

  1. (((hugs))) You are all in my thoughts.

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  2. Keeping you in my thoughts. It is such a difficult situation and I'm so sorry you are in it. (((hugs)))

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  3. Sending my thoughts and prayers your way. So glad you got to see her.

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending good thoughts and prayers to you and your family during this tough time.

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  5. Love you, Meagan!!! Hugs to you, Kenny and the rest of the fam!!

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  6. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs))

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  7. I have never posted before but just wanted to say that everything you are feeling is SO totally normal. I had a very similar situation with my grandma- she was diagnosed with cancer and was gone within weeks. We all got to say goodbye but it was the hardest time ever. I remember going to work and crying at anything. Grief is a strange thing- even now almost 6 years later, there are moments that I miss her so much it hurts and the emotions feel like it was yesterday. Hug your family tight and know that slowly it will get better. Praying for all of you- for strength and peace in the days and weeks to come. From one Central IL raised girl to another- hang in there!! -Lauren

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  8. I was young when my grandmother pasted...I am now old enough to be your Mother...I still miss her...I live her on the holidays...she was full of tradition and love of family...so because of my love for her I still live her traditons and love of things good...this way I keep her alive and me happy even though there are still those soft spots and I cry...the end is a hard slap in the face..you are never prepared for it..but remember she is with you in ways you have yet to understand...my prayers are with you and your family at this difficult time....

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  9. I am so sorry to hear this. It's hard when you feel so helpless and sad and scred. I'm glad you have a good support system in place, it certainly helps a lot. You and your family are in my thoughts.

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  10. Meagan, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I lost my Nana a few years ago & I still get teary thinking or speaking of her (and sometimes I still just straight up just break down & allow myself a cry). I'm sorry for your pain, it's not easy. I'm glad you have Kenny & the rest of your family.

    It's not much, I know - but we're here too, to listen if you need to vent. Hugs!

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